Yesterday for dinner we went to FatheredFive's Sister's house. The house was full of people and not being related I was initially a little uncomfortable. Heck I was a little uncomfortable the whole time really, but everyone including his sister Karen were very welcoming and I had great fun too. It was just hard for me to not feel a little like an intruder despite the kindness of my hosts, which was most excellent. Anyway, blah, blah, blah insecurity this, self-loathing that.
Dg5 seemed to do well, until he had a plate of food. We sat him down and he wanted to move to a table with older kids. I happily accommodated him. I then left to get him a drink and returned to "an incident." For whatever reason he was scared. I didn't understand. I tried to comfort him, but to no avail and after a short while I did exactly the wrong thing.
"If you don't stop crying I'll..." fill in the blank. Very nice, intimidate the kid who doesn't understand why he scared himself. I then moved him to the front porch and let his mother take over. I wasn't the right guy for him right then. His mother moved him to the car where he ate happily and in peace.
I ate and traded off with nh so she could eat. "I'm very disappointed in your behavior," I continued and all the while in my head I'm hearing, "Shut up." and "Leave him be." Which I quickly did. He responded by looking pretty upset for a minute and then very sweetly saying, "Dad, I'm gonna eat and then I'm going right back in there" which he did.
Last night when we got home I felt ashamed and apologized to dg5. He immediately forgave me with a hug and a kiss. We should all be so forgiving.
It is tough to suppress my imperfections sometimes and put others first. I wasn't a rage-aholic, but I clearly behaved incorrectly. I certainly didn't give him what he needed and at the end of the day his needs supersede mine, he's only five.
It is one thing to love someone and another to live with them, small or large. Living with them requires very often that we put the other person first in what may be very difficult circumstances for us. It isn't just civility, we have to dig deep and act in ways that show we love them under whatever circumstances.
I have 18 years of practice and have gotten better, but I don't think it's a process that ever stops. I think when we think we've arrived we're pretty far from where we need to be.
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