Family Night

Tonight we went swimming as a family. It was great fun. Nh and dg went off to do an obstacle course and a slide while wg and I goofed off and chased each other.

After a while I got out and wg entertained himself while dg and Nh continued to play elsewhere. I was amazed that our blue lipped beauty continued to play and entertain himself for so long. Other kids jostled him, hit him and he couldn't have cared less. I wanted to throttle some of the bigger kids.

I stood on the edge with a smile while he played. My heart quickened as he ventured into deep waters. The water just over his chin, kids splashing and flopping and screaming, but every time he would work his was to better water, that same blue lipped grin on his face. I admired that. I thought the fear would grip him since he can't swim, but it didn't. He soldiered on.

Wg is a great kid, except when he yells at his brother that he hates him. Wg doesn't have a host of coping skills yet so we try to explain why that isn't cool. And just when we think we're getting somewhere dg takes the torture to a whole new level and wg lashes out and hurts him and I say, "See that's what you get, quit teasing him." Revenge. Oh yes, don't teach them that's okay. "Wg it isn't okay to hurt other people."
"But Dad he called me Doodie head!" The travesty! The inhumanity! What are you gonna do?

It was a fun evening, thanks Nh for good times.

Dg5, what a ham!

Today dg5 called me "Dude."
I said, "Don't call me dude, dude."
And he said, "What am I supposed to call you Steve?"

You're definitely not ugly.

Today we were at the checkout counter at Target. The boys were riled up. Wg3 looked right at the cashier and said, "Your ugly!" Grrrr. I whipped him around, hoping she was oblivious to the insult and teased, "No your ugly!" and quickly wrestled him away and out the door.

Outside I gave him a serious tongue lashing. I was ticked. I know he's only three, but I also know he knows that saying someone is ugly is mean. I was very upset.

The weird thing is that Wg3 is a people person, very affable. As we walked out of the restaurant after dinner he said very adultishly to the people dining on the patio, "Are you folks havin' a good dinner?" I don't think they heard him and I don't think he stopped to hear the answer, but just a little evidence that he is a very genial fellow.

A little later at the Supermarket I broke off from the pack and did some tactical shopping. When I got back wg3 rushed to tell me he had told the man behind us that he "is definitely not ugly." What are you gonna do, he's trying.

"Dad, don't! It's poison!"

This one makes me laugh.

I took the boys geocaching for the first time today. However, we went out into the desert mid-day and when we got back we were all hot. So I took them upstairs to wet down their little heads and prevent a brain fry. As we got into the bathroom I grabbed a spray bottle and called wg3, "Come over here buddy."

"Dad, don't! It's poison!"
"What? What's poison?" I thought nh had gone crazy and put a cleaner in there where the boys could reach it.
"That bottle. Dg5 peed in it and I squeezed bleach wipes in there."
"Dg5, did you pee in this?"
"No." But clearly he was lying.
"Why would you pee in this bottle?"
"I don't know."
"Ah, so then you did pee in it!"
"Yes. Sorry." Sorry? "I barely got any in it though." Some consolation.
"Dg5. I don't care that you peed in it, though I don't want you to do it again, but don't lie to me son. Okay?"
"Okay." It's poison...that makes me laugh.

It's just a piece of flagstone

I'm laying flagstone down on the grass in front of the garden so NH has a path to walk along with our wearing a path in the grass. I cut away the sod, remove the grass and place the perfectly fit flagstone in the hole. Occasionally, I have to take a 4lbs. sledge and a chisel and remove small chunks. The sprinklers came on, so I resigned my commission, but left the sledge where I would pick up next day.

We had friends over and their kids and our kids were running in the sprinklers. When I left I never gave it a second thought that they might find my sledge. Well, they did.

I think it was wg3 first. He began to pound away at the piece freshly laid. I was upstairs and the other children's mother was outside with the kids. It wasn't long and her daughter joined in the fun, both the same age - 3. Dg5 is said to have taken a swipe, but without breaking anything. As the other children's mother said, "Hey, I don't think you guys should be doing that," dg5 responded, "No, it's okay, my Dad doesn't care." What???

I handled it all very reasonably. I walked out with wg3 and said, "Do you think I laid this flagstone here so you could destroy it with my hammer?"

"Yes." Did he really say yes????

"Actually wg3, no, no I didn't. What should your punishment be?"

"Time out would be good."

"That doesn't seem like enough."

"Okay, some time out and a soft swat on the bottom." Don't be so hard on yourself I think sarcastically. I can't make myself punish him even though it seems right to me that I should.

"Wg3. I'm not going to punish you, but DO NOT even think about doing it again, and you're gonna clean this mess up pal. Deal?"

"Deal." Cute kid.

We scored a goal

I've been feeling pretty crummy for the kids I coach. My expectations weren't high, just please Lord let them score a goal. Well, finally the curse is broken. We scored. I felt relieved.

Many of the kids are coming back for the summer session of soccer. I'll get to coach them again and I'm glad because they're great kids. The next goal??? How about a win? Here's hoping and yes I know we're not keeping score, but try to tell the kids not to keep score.

When we got in the van after the game I offered high excitement about our goal.
"But we got killed," dg5 said!
"I know son, one thing at a time. We scored."

Lord thanks for the score. It would mean a lot to the kids if they could win. Can we get some help with that too?

Pills

I haven't taken my pill for awhile now. It's for anti-anxiety. Well, wouldn't you guess, my emotions are a little out of control. They are hard to control anyway and at times I feel very overwhelmed. I'm feeling very sensitive.

I hate the idea that I need a magic pill, that somehow I'm broken. I feel broken.

Tonight consumption begins again. I've contained my feelings pretty well with a lot of vigilance, but I don't think it can last. Better I'm broken than my family.

Drilled

When we practice the kids like to play against the parents at the end. It's fun. One of the kids' brother comes and we let him play if he walks. He' probably 8 or 9. Well yesterday he booted one and drilled dg5 right in the face. It was hard to see.

I comforted him briefly, but the physical pain wasn't the hardest part for him and he didn't return without much coaxing. What was really hard was all of the attention everyone paid him or that he perceived they were paying him. He spoke of being "nervous" in his throat. I'd like to get him back in the saddle, but if his problem is anxiety what the heck do you do about that?

We're going to keep plugging along like a good family and hope either it goes away or God grants me the wisdom to help him through. He's such a brilliant, wonderful boy and it WAS a wicked hard shot to the mug.

A day at the beach

Can you have plumber's crack at 5?

So we spent a day at the beach. Grandma Brown got the boys a set of beach toys. We made castles, then we made castles close to the tide to see if they would withstand the inrushing water. They didn't. At some point during the day, I think during the castle making, dg5 said, "Dad, this is the best day ever." It was a pretty good day. Near the end wg3 asked to be buried in the sand and his brother quickly joined in. Sweet boys, that's what they are, just sweet boys.

Peeing in the Ocean

I'm not against peeing in the ocean. I think it's okay. I don't remember any time when I've done it, but I'm sure I have. So when wg3 said he had to pee at the beach I told him to just go in the ocean.

"No. You're just kidding," he coyly says.

"No, really, go ahead. It's okay."

So off he went. A moment later I realized my mistake as wg3 marched calf deep into the water and dropped trow. I cried out to him and he stopped. We pulled up his pants and waded in waist deep. "Okay, now you can go."

Look, peeing in the ocean isn't an elegant solution it's convenient, but with a little discretion it can be done. Wg3 just didn't get the discretion part.

Reboot

I've dreamed dark dreams tonight. One and I wake up. I shake it off, sleep, another and I wake up. I remember at least 5 of them in my first three hours of sleep.

I wake up and I get up after the last one. It's 1:13 and I am awake and I hear the t.v. on downstairs. We didn't leave the t.v. on though. I check on dg5 because he is alone. wg3 has long since been in our bedroom. I head downstairs. The television is off. I check the doors and turn on some outside lights. Trying to break the nightmare cycle I turn on the t.v. It's between COPS and YoYo Ma and the Silk Road Ensemble. Part of me wants COPS, but thinks it will do very little to assuage my nightmares. I choose YoYo Ma - who is not a woman by the way.

For the last hour I hear instruments new to me from around the world; Iran, China, India and an Argentinian woman in stretch pants suffering what looks like an epileptic gyration while she plays something that looks like a bagpipe. In my opinion the greatest instrument of all is the human voice, which they showcase beautifully.

It's over an hour now and I'm tired. I wonder if a father can will the nightmares of his children to come to him. I hope they sleep well and dream well. I go in again now and who knows. Maybe that dark man will come to me again, maybe I will dream of my grandparents, or maybe I will, in that misty place, find my children again and my soul can rest peacefully too.