It first happened a couple of years ago. And recently it's pull on me grows. I can't parse out whether it's selfishness because nh has made it clear there will be no more children or if I should be prepping nh, working with her. I appreciate that she knows her limitations though, really. She's not built for 10 kids I can tell you that, but then again I'm not either.
The possibility of adoption keeps coming back to me. Primarily adoption comes to me because I feel very strongly that it is to be a boy and obviously I can't predict the sex of a child born naturally.
Having an infant to take care of might very well be the hardest thing nh and I have gone through together or as individuals. But still, the feeling keeps coming back to me. Strong, like a continental divide between me and where I'm going.
I am very grateful for the children I have. I don't need more to feel complete or happy or fulfilled. In fact I rather feel like it will be very difficult for nh and I. A difficult journey for our family. Yet, there it is.
Could it be km in college that leaves me afraid? Do I fear that I will be unfulfilled when the boys leave home many years from now? Do I want to hang on to fatherhood for a while longer? Is it inspiration? Where does it come from?
1 comment:
I love you daddy, so much.
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