Caught in a Trap

About 1994 Grandma B had a heart attack. 3 weeks later she had triple bypass surgery and began recuperating in the hospital. Insurance wouldn't pay for her to spend her entire recuperating period in the hospital so the family sought another residence in which she could complete her recuperation. They tried Palm Springs and the only place acceptable in Palm Springs was way, way too expensive. So they gave Grandma B a choice; she could either recuperate in Lakeside with Aunt K or go to Tucson with my mother-in-law MM. Grandma B chose the lovely Lakeside and Aunt K for her recuperating period.

When she recuperated the doctor's didn't approve of her moving home because it was too far from medical attention. By default Aunt K and Grandma B became roommates. Fast forward to 2008.

Aunt K and Grandma B are still sharing a living space. Aunt K never wanted it. Grandma B refuses to go anywhere else. It is difficult Aunt K says. The two just don't get along she says. And as of today it looks like Grandma B will live to at least 100, likely more. So what began as a recuperating period is now 14 years and could easily end up 20+.

Recently, we concocted a plan to give Aunt K a rest. My bride and I arrange to have Grandma come visit for a few weeks to help. And that's no ploy. My bride really likes having her here because she does help. In fact, last fall the UPS guy busted my chops because Grandma B came from San Diego on vacation and I put her to work raking leaves. She's a go getter man, just try to have her sit still and besides I think helping makes her feel the way we all want to feel, needed.

I learned some good information during this last visit. Aunt K does not want to be paired up with Grandma. When we organize we put husbands and wives together, J & M, S & C, A & J, G & N, A & D, and E & J and what the heck since we're pairing people Grandma and Aunt K you can sleep....(Wait a minute, hold the phone) Aunt K does not want to be paired up with Grandma!!!!!! Oh. I should have guessed. Now I know and will definitely make arrangements to make Aunt K's stay more comfortable in the future.

I witnessed Grandma tell Aunt L she loved her and missed her to which Aunt L responded by ripping Grandma a new one. Aunt L said, Grandma could make any plans she liked and that no one was stopping her; meaning you can come see me if you miss me so much. Grandma says, "You never talk to me." Aunt L. says, "I don't talk much to anyone." - which is true. In then end I don't think Grandma found consolation in either response.

Later this week Aunt K blew up when Grandma suggested they go "together" on a trip to visit family "back east." Aunt K wants separation. A trip together is not a vacation for her.

Grandma is 93 in a few days. And here she is paying consequences for who she has been and who she has become. It doesn't make her bad or dark or evil, but she finds herself now, closer to the end than the beginning, at the mercy of others. For better or worse Grandma better adapt, not accept being pushed around, but adapt if she ever wished to enjoy the last years of her life on this earth because no one I can see is rolling over to cut her any slack.