Dragons, Dad and Death

The boys, nh and I went to see Grandma tonight. She breathed heavy, deep, raspy breaths. She never voluntarily opened her eyes. We spoke to her. We held her hands. We kissed her forehead over and over. We cried a little.

The boys brought their Halloween costumes, dragons both. dg5 donned the Komodo Dragon outfit his mother so painstakingly sewed. It really looks wonderful. wg3 wore a purple dragon costume we bought when dg5 was dg3. They were hoping to show it to Grandma Daisy, but they happily settled for Paw Paw who was very frightened by the whole ordeal.

Dad has repeated the rationale for putting Grandma Daisy in hospice several times. Gj confirmed it when Grandma said to her that she was sick of "all of this." It's hard for everyone, but it's especially hard for him, her son and the decision-maker here. As he began to explain again I interrupted and said, "Dad, no one feels good about this decision, but Grandma trusted you to make it and we support you whatever you do." Then I hugged him, got in the car and left.

He is spending a lot of time there. I don't know why. Maybe he'll catch her awake and words and love can pass between them. Maybe he feels it's important to be there when she passes, in the moment. Maybe he just wants to be in her presence, his mother, his beloved mother, awhile longer.

We've begun to talk about travel plans. Grandma will be buried in Ohio where she was born and lived most of her life. She desperately wanted to get back there, to be home again. She loved it there very much. Death is a hard thing. We are grieving because for all intents and purposes she's left us already, though her heart beats, and maybe she will hear us, she cannot communicate back to us, not with a touch or a whisper or a look. We stand with her, we hold her hand, we kiss her forehead again and we wait. We will all miss her very much.

I told her today to please greet us when we come. I told her that Grandma Lola and Grandpa Harry would surely be happy to see her again and their parents before them and theirs before them and so on. I think Lola and Harry will be enough for her at first. But she also goes to see her first Father and though I suspect she doesn't know it, the experience will likely be the greatest joy of all. I told her to tell them that we would work for her here, we would work for them all here and to please be patient, that our ancestors are not forgotten.

I am grateful for the time that we've been given and thank God for it every day.