Sunday, April 5, 2009

Apnea

I've got it, a mild case, but I've got it. I told my new doc I'm fatigued all of the time. So he sent me for a sleep test. Now I wear nose plugs at night so I hit and stay in REM. I had 7 physical blockages of my airway and 7 centrals. A central is when my brain just forgets to send the signal to tell me to breathe. Thanks Brain. This number didn't seem like a lot, but then they told me there were 76 mini-apneas and I guess that's a lot.

My doc and I made a deal. Lose some weight. Get my cholesterol down. My bad is 170 and he tells me it is supposed to be below 100 and ideally below 70. So lose some weight and see me in two months. Can you give me three I say? Sure, but lose some weight he says or we're going to put you on cholesterol medication.

This is how it happens. A pill at 33, another at 39, one at 48, one at 56 and before you know it I have a pillbox with SSMTWTF on it so I know what pills to take and when. The pillbox is accountability avoidance, a recipe for avoiding the reckoning.

Here's me with like 30 wires attached to my head with wax. It didn't bother me, but what did what the one they put on my finger to read my oxygen level. It bugged me all night.

The Card Theory

My Mother is upset I don't send birthday cards to her husband of many years. Maybe a person would say I didn't like him, but nothing could be further from the truth. He's nice enough and I'd venture to say he treats my Mother well.

You'd think sending a card would be easy and you'd be right. So why don't I?

I asked my Grandmother on Mom's side why she'd be so upset over a thing like that and my Grandmother says it's because she thinks you don't care. Like and idiot I said, "Grandma I don't send you cards, do you think I don't love you?" "That's right." HOLY CRAP I thought, she's kidding right? I have a picture of this Grandmother and my Grandfather whose passed away in my closet. They're the first thing I see each day and very often the last I see at night. I think of them daily, but she doesn't see it that way. Lunacy! I cry to myself. This is just crazy! But it isn't to them. The card matters.

I find myself guilty of behavior I've loathed in others. My imperfections mount, my beam is huge. It isn't enough to say you love someone, you have to do things, even if it only means a card. So I'll send my step-dad cards, not because he cares, but because my Mother does. And I've already sent the first of many cards off to Grandma. I'm trying to remember, it's not what's important to me, it's what's important to them.

I'm not organized much so I've set up a system that will allow me to succeed. I've bought a whole box of birthday cards, I'll be pre-printing labels and adding stamps so that when the time comes I can catch up in the card and send it quickly. Batch and queue baby, batch and queue.

I was a real curmudgeon

Parenting classes. I have an 18 y.o., a 5 y.o. and a 3 y.o. Isn't that experience enough? Nh started going to parenting classes. She came back from the first one and said she was the only one there without a husband. I went to the next class.

I asked what she learned and it sounded like another hour of church, which is fine, but I was hoping for very specific tools and theories and guidelines on parenting. Tell me what you've got and let me decide how to proceed. Well, I was pleasantly surprised. The teacher was engaging and the material was actually pretty good. In fact, I'd say I have more information than I know what to do with.

I wasn't wanting to go, I was a curmudgeon. Sometimes the only thing I can do to stop myself is duct tape and when I run out I get into trouble.

Put me in Coach

dg5's coach works Saturdays. As a result he missed many of the games and I happily substituted for him. I learned that I really love working with those kids. How cool to see them change and grow.

I volunteered to coach dg5's next team. Wg3 isn't going to be playing for awhile. He just isn't interested. He walks off the field and just sits down. I never would have figured him for it, but that's what he does. He's 3, what are you going to do?

I met a bunch of the kids yesterday. They are so tiny. Crap, I'm afraid for them. About half the team is girls which I'm excited about. On wg3's team there is not question the girls were the agile, coordinated ones. I just can't get past their size, they're tiny.

Well, it's a new adventure. One I think will be great fun.

I Love My Country

I've been thinking a lot about what kind of patriot I fancy myself. To this point in my life I have been an armchair patriot. I vote. I have opinions. Beyond that I am acted upon by my political system and the truth is I think it's busted. I feel like the system has been infiltrated by special interest and career politicians to reap and hoard for themselves with little thought for their country. I'm ashamed of many of them.

I believe this is a Nation under God. I love the pledge of allegiance and my politics dictate that we should welcome everyone through the legal immigration process, but if they want our Nation under God to cater to them we should explain it doesn't work that way. The God we are a Nation under is not Allah or Buddha or anybody else for that matter. He is a Christian God, the God of our Founding Fathers. If they want religion we should respect it, but they can be offended somewhere else. This is the Nation I believe in.

This Nation under God does not believe in abortion and does not provide monies to Mexico for abortions either. We believe in peace and oppose tyranny, not in ideology, but on the ground with troops. Our good men and women give their lives continually in the service of their Nation under God.

This Nation under God is a nation of Marriage between one man and one woman. There is no other definition of Marriage, there was not from the foundation of this country, the fight to change that sacred definition is tyranny. If a person's sexual orientation is same sex they wave the right in their union to legal recognition a Marriage. It is not Marriage, it never has been. Accommodating same sex unions under the title of Marriage is tyranny. Nearly the entire Nation under God has said so, let it be so. Gay rights? Since when is sexual preference the basis of a right in the United States?

I get not discriminating, not heckling, not demeaning, not hurting. Leave them be, but do not let them dictate what constitutes Marriage. God had done that and it is not for men to undo.

I feel a sense of urgency to participate in opposition to government intervention in business. Recently the President pressured the head of GM to resign on the threat of withholding bailout money. The money should never have been offered in the first place. We have a free market society, let em sink. Behind them is another company and better ideas, spirit and will. AIG, GM, Ford, Chrysler, we'll miss you, thanks and se la vi. This is what happens in a free market and the fallout has never been as bad as we've at first anticipated, never. Americans still retain the desire to succeed, we will survive. Let the free market work. When the capitalist soil is tilled, and the manure of old machinery mixes, new companies will spring up.

Wild Man


The kid is out of control sometimes. He went from completely timid to throwing himself into the fray. I started calling him Wild Man. He makes a face like he doesn't like it, but having seen this a lot I know it's his way of hiding the fact that he really likes it. After a few games he asked, "Dad, was I a wild man?"
It's a thin disguise.

The Blue Dragons

wg3 with sister
I'm told that between the ages of 3 and 6 children will very often act out fantasies. This happens with our children of course, but wg3 really immerses himself. A wonderful quality of being 3 is the missing inhibition. At wg3's last soccer game he took being a Blue Dragon (team name) very seriously. He ran around the field roaring at the kids like a dragon. This really gave some of the other children reason to stop, pause, and internally at least, ask themselves what the heck he was doing. It was very funny.

Maybe funniest of all was the cough that began to interrupt his roaring as he became hoarse. Not very intimidating.

No Smoking


wg3's last soccer game was attended by his 4 local grandparents. My parents smoke. We teach wg3 that smoking is harmful for you and you shouldn't do it. Well, during his game the precocious little monkey smelled someone, somewhere smoking. As a consequence he took it upon himself to march up to them on the sidelines and yell, "Stop smoking. It's bad!" They were shocked, primarily because it wasn't them smoking. They absolutely don't do it around the boys. They probably wonder if we coach him, but we don't. Apparently the he has a passion for smoking cessation, odd for a three year old, but whatever.


You really have to watch him. As he's walking by a smoker he will reach out, smack the person's leg or pants and yell, "Stop smoking!" What do you say to that? Bless the kids heart.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Video Games

I love video games. At one point I loved them so much it was hurting my marriage so I all but gave them up.

Lately I've been jonesing to buy a Wii. It looks like fun, but two things are stopping me.

1.) I don't think the games are good for kids. It is only a personal opinion, but I think it contributes to the rise in ADHD as I think television does. Believing that, I can hardly indulge knowing the kids will be included. On rare occasions dg5 and I will play a racing/crash game. I don't like the way it makes me feel when we play together. For that reason I refrain foremost.

2.) In my last stake the number one reason for divorce was not infidelity, or pornography, or money issues, it was video games. Men would not put the games away to be with their families. What an empty existence. To that point there are signs of addictive inclinations and incidents in my family. These have never been healthy. Knowing the kids may have a predisposition to addicitions and knowing that video game studies have proven the games are addictive, how can I put the two together?

I am sometimes a lazy parent. I would prefer "wrastling" to reading or playing a game. I do both, but I very much want to try harder to be a more engaged parent and "wrastling" isn't going to get me there.

The end game is I want healthy children. One day I will die and when they look back I want them to know I loved them because I gave them the most precious thing I have to give, my time. It is not enough to feel love. Love is a do word, a verb, an action. Do = Love, Do Not, but feel Love = Broken, Do Not = no love.

And I think a notch up from that is to give them the very best time I have. Sometimes that will be wrestling, but more often than not it will be exploring, or playing pretend, or reading, or teaching and sometimes just laying with them so they can get to sleep. I love being a Father.

He's trying and he likes it for awhile


Look at the smile on his face. Man does he love the parent tunnel. He wasn't the animal I thought he would be. At one point he just walked off of the field. Quite frankly I think 3 is too young for him. Another year or two and he'll be ready I think.

It didn't help that his cousin Z was there. All he wanted to do is play with him. wg looks up to him as he does his brother. He very much wants to be part of their world and they very much want to just play between the two of them.

It's a hard thing. I think dg and I will have a talk soon. I want him to know that his brother loves and admires him and that love his brother unconditionally offers is a precious trust that dg5 should strive to be grateful for, respect and honor, as annoying as it may seem sometimes.

I am very grateful for both of my sons.

I thought he wouldn't have the taste for it

His first game. It was great fun to see him. I thought he would stand around, pick at the grass be disinterested, but the kid was a defensive animal. I'm telling you, I'll bet he caused 4 or 5 kid pile ups, running head long into the packs of kids coming towards the goal he was defending, running up from beside them and kicking the ball away. When I say it was great fun I'm not kidding. I really enjoyed it.

In fact, if he plays again I think I'd like to coach. On defense I give him a 9 out of 10. On offense he needs to learn how to dribble. Compared to the other kids he's just like them, but once he gets it I think he'll do well.

I mean wow, what fun. What a change.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Home Alone

The fam is in New York and I am here alone. Though I suddenly have more focus, I have no more motivation. It's odd really. At times I want a little peace and quiet, but I'd give it up forever right now to see nh and the kids. It is a hard thing to appreciate them when they're here I think. I have to try harder.

An Elder's Quorum Activity

3 couples showed up, we ate and it was fun. The Bisel's introduced us to this ping-pong insanity.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Basketball

Tonight my lungs burned as I gasped for air. Man am I far gone.

In the first five seconds I was on the court I got shoved and fell down. My body would not obey, my limbs were heavy and sluggish. I fell down like an old, decrepit man and banged my elbow. I immediately thought it might be a sign.

When I walked onto the court the score was 18 to 13. When I walked off at half-time the score was 18 to 32. I tried to convince myself it didn't have anything to do with me, but my first two passes were intercepted and after that I didn't get the ball much. Actually, it was kind of like we were playing with four guys instead of five. I enjoyed the exercise and tried to play up the illusion that I was foiling the other teams plans instead of my teams plans. I don't think it came off well.

After the game the guys were talking about practicing. They went on for awhile about how the defense moves and adjusts, about how the offense moves and adjusts. I'll admit, I didn't get a lot of it. I guess I'm down for practicing.

All I'm going to say is that is what they get if they are going to invite anyone out and say it's just for fun. I did have fun though I want to get better for their sakes. We got whooped by 50 points. Embarrassing.

A Portrait of Someone Else

Tonight a guy with nothing, but a student loan bought a couch from us. I delivered it because he doesn't even own a bike for transportation. Then I offered to help him move it in the house. As it turned out, Roscoe and I spent a lot of time together. Let me tell you what I know.

Roscoe is an injured Jarhead. No details, just an honorably discharged veteran. I asked what he did and he didn't want to talk about it. I asked where he did it and he didn't want to talk about it. Roscoe has two Chinese symbols tattooed, one on each arm. On his right arm is the Chinese character for snake, the name his comrades called him. On his left arm is a symbol to the memory of the fallen soldiers with whom he served. Roscoe is tall, maybe six-two and lanky. His gait is awkward, he moves prepubescently.

Roscoe used to live with a teacher and her husband. Roscoe has no family and he "holes" up wherever he can. The teacher who took a shine to him would take him to school everyday. It was a nice arrangement, but not a permanent one. Enter Lucy.

Roscoe rents two rooms from Lucy. It all began when Lucy got robbed. When you enter Lucy's house there is a room. In the room is a futon and behind the futon is a baby Grand piano. As I think about it now they must have built the house around it, we struggled just to get in a stupid couch. To the left of the baby Grand is an upright and a little further on is an electronic keyboard. There is a very distinct Asian feel to the decorating. I see a picture, it must be Lucy, she is Asian and playing at a Baby Grand. Roscoe says she is about 100 lbs. soaking wet. Lucy teaches music and has for the past 13 years. Lucy isn't home yet.

Roscoe met Lucy through an old roommate. They met on a hike near the Grand Canyon. Their mutual friend proposed to his love on that hike. It was beautiful Roscoe tells me. Two months later his friend sat and wrote lots of letters to lots of people and then blew his brains out. "It brought us all closer together, but especially Lucy and I." Roscoe repeats often that they have become good friends.

He likes music. A fringe benefit of living with a pianist is a nightly concert he says. He loves to hear her play. I see pictures in a frame, Lucy in the middle at the piano, and all around her are smaller pictures of her students at the same piano. Somebody has written Recital 2008 in the bottom corner of Lucy's picture. There must be 20 students, they're all women, many young, some middle aged.

I sat on the couch, the cushions off and stared out at the starry Arizona night sky. Roscoe sat on the porch smoking and flicking his ashes into the yard. "It's beautiful," I say. "Yeah, sometimes we have a small fire here in this fire ring and we just kick back." He turns his head towards the driveway out front, "I think she's here." For a minute it sounds like maybe someone is, but it isn't anyone.
We took off doors and the couch would not fit through a single door in the entire house. We took the feet off the couch, no luck and come to find out his door was too small to fit the couch in. We lifted the couch over the fence...twice. Finally, we completely dismantled a window.

In Roscoe's room is a high end flat panel t.v. with high end speakers and a computer he put together - high end. There is no bed in sight. As we take apart the window we find screws that have been painted over. Roscoe disappears into a very small closet and pulls out a small lime green backpack. From a plastic sheath he pulls out a large knife. "I don't usually take Janie out around strangers" he says. He peels away the paint, he pries away at the window. We lift in the couch which is clearly too big for the little room. No problem he says, he'll make it work. "I've got to get this back together before Lucy gets home and freaks out," he reminds me.

He and Lucy don't watch t.v., they just rent movies, they sit in the little room together and watch movies.

Roscoe paints and fixes things up. Roscoe cooks. He likes to cook. He takes care of the meals. He pays $400.00 a month for two rooms and he paints. "When Lucy got broken into she was scared. She called me because I'm the scariest cuddly guy she knows."

It will take time. He knows it, to earn his degree in material science; probably about another 8 years. He lives off of grant money and a little income as a math tutor at the college. He tutors up to trig. He doesn't need much. Apparently the material science guys start at $67,500 a year right out of college and he doesn't need much to live on, so he'll be able to save most of it.

I left at 10:45pm, almost an hour and a half after I got there. The couch was in, though every door needed put back on and the window needed completely reassembled. I never did meet Lucy. I liked Roscoe. He seemed nice enough, but in the back of my mind somewhere I wondered if Lucy was there all along, in the backyard, taking a dirt nap.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Coincedence? I think not

The other day J-dog was helping me put some items on Craig's List. When you enter the item it randomly pulls up words for you to type in to verify that a human being is actually doing it instead of a bot. The words that came up?

Remember Clarence

Clarence Bay was J-dog's Grandfather. He passed away recently. I felt the spirit was there with us. Coincedence? I think not.

What do you think marriage is?

Ever since the vote for marriage petition process began I've been thinking about marriage. I believe marriage is ordained of God. I believe it's between a man and a woman. For me that's it.

But today I heard some blow hard on talk radio saying a lot of things that make sense, until he got to his definition of marriage, which he explained is for the birthing of children. In his entire 10 minute rant he only stuttered when making a point about the definition of marriage. It seems like you could have children without marriage and heck, people do all of the time.

I don't think marriage is just about the birthing of children. That's part of it, but I can't help but think it's something more. I haven't heard or thought of a non-religious definition that makes me weak in the knees. I have some ideas of my own though I don't think I could define it well, but if you are reading this then I'm reaching out to you. What do you think, is there a good non-religious definition?

I think that's right


“I shall pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”

Mahatma Gandhi

Thursday, February 19, 2009

An incident and a spanking

dg5 does very little to warrant physical application, but tonight he scraped a pencil down his brother's face because wg3 knocked his flip-flop off of his foot. dg5 came precariously close to wg3's eye. Not cool.

I hate spanking the kids. I hate it, but I have gotten very good at not doing it in anger. I feel like a dolt when I can't think of other ways to motivate them. Being a parent is ridiculously difficult.

Two smacks, hand on butt. Who even knows if that works?

Pray and do

It seems everywhere I turn folks have very big challenges. I cannot compare my life and not acknowledge God blesses us more I'm sure than I even imagine.

Tonight we had Cam over for dinner. It's been several weeks. Cam is losing her sight. I told her if she called the Southern Arizona Association for the Visually Impaired and began to take classes I'd make sure she gets there. She needs encouraged. I think denial has dominated her life. She has begun very late to prepare. Depression, anger, hopelessness have beset her I think. She hasn't known what to do. I hate the feelings she must be feeling. I told her if she tries to be self-reliant I'll do what ever I can to help.

It will be difficult I think. She's withered at only 62, body, mind and spirit. When she's with us she cheers up. She asked to pray with us tonight. She wanted to listen as we read the kids books. She ate 3 ice cream sandwhiches. 3.

She is struggling with a lot of decisions. It costs her 3 grand a month to live in her place and it costs her mother 4 grand a month to stay in the assisted living facility she's in. The money they have it running out and they get no state assistance until they have only $2,000 left. When they have only $2,000 left they have to wait 45 days to be placed by the state; which means the $2,000 they have left won't last the 45 days they have to wait. It's retarded. She thinks she'll have to sell her house. She offered to give us some of her furniture tonight - which made me feel oddly that I should be the offeree of a vulnerable person.

I asked her how long she had before she must make a decision. She says 60 days. I asked who determines her fate. She said a state counsellor. The counsellor says she has to take courses at SAAVI. She has to win the counsellor over before anything will really change. Here's hoping she can progress quickly.

If she can muster the will, I'm hoping we can get her living on her own, learning to live blind. After 62 years with sight it will be one helluva change. Pray and do; there will have to be plenty of both I think.

How many days in a row can he wear it? I mean really.

wg3 has taken to wearing dg5's Spiderman costume everyday. Because wg3 is wearing it dg5 wants it. Our direction to him has been to wait until wg3 is finished.

How many days in a row can he wear it? I mean really.



Thanks KM18!

In a few weeks time

The boys have completed week 3 of soccer. No more crying, just a lot of kicking. It's a good thing.

wg3 called his coach a "dummy head" today because when they handed out the jersey's he wanted number three and the coach was trying to give him number 1. dg5 got number 5 and I think wg3 thought your number was supposed to be your age. The coach was trying to give him number 1. I mean who doesn't want to be number 1? Apparently wg3. He got number 2 and after some encouragement felt good about it I think.

We made him apologize so he took two steps towards his coach, who was 40 feet away and said he was sorry. "I don't think so pal. You go over, shake his hand and say you're sorry." He glanced at the coach, looked back at us and said, "I need someone to go over there with me." Mom accompanied him.

It's amazing how far they've come in a few weeks time.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Firedrake

We are nearing the end of Firedrake. We read it regularly as a family. wg3 very often asks, "One moe chaptu Dad?" Honestly, I don't think he's interested in the story at all, not like his Mom and brother; really he's looking to stay up late, but it's cute to hear him say it anyway.

Ping Pong Maw Maw

Tonight after dinner I invited Dad to play some Ping Pong. He declined. I tried again and he declined again. I tried a third time and he deferred to Maw Maw. So I went with it and I asked Maw Maw. Well Maw Maw was up for it and we played three games. The more we played the better she got. She hasn't played in years, but she's still got it. I'm relieved they had to run!

Writing

This week dg5 worked out some spelling on his own. Some of the words???

sat
bat
mat
fat

And today he spelled scat at the table. Not a good table word if you ask me, but hey, it's signs of intelligent life!